For Moms Who Feel Like They Messed Up with Michelle Konson

Willow: 00:00:13

Hey there. Welcome to the Collide Podcast. This is Willow Weston, and I am so excited to hand you this interview I just had with Michelle Konson.

She's a writer, speaker, and mentor, and she has a huge heart for encouraging moms who feel like they've messed up and who wonder if. If it's too late for redemption. And I just love her heart. I love her story. I love the way she thinks. And I think it will bless you, Mama.

Whether you feel like you've messed up a million times or just one time or with the whole darn thing, she will invite you to something much deeper than you expect. And I think it will be healing for your mom life. So take a listen. Michelle, it's so great to have you on the podcast today.

Michelle: 00:01:05

Thanks, Willow. I'm so excited to be here.

Willow: 00:01:08

Where are you signing in from?

Michelle: 00:01:10

I'm signing in from Northern Virginia. So in the Washington, D.C. metro area. Yep. We've been here for about 16 years.

Willow: 00:01:18

I love it. We are so far apart from each other.

Michelle: 00:01:21

It's amazing.

Willow: 00:01:22

It's good to be with you. I've read up on you, I've read your story, and I have so many things I want to ask you.

It sounds like you have this huge heart for moms who feel like they've messed up. And I just want to start right there and say, where did you get this heart? What gave you this passion?

Michelle: 00:01:43

I think because I am one of those moms, and I lived in that place for so long and thought I was alone. And once I realized that I wasn't alone, that there were people around me that could help me, it was like a lifeline.

And I long to give that lifeline to as many women as I can. I think we all feel like we failed in some way in our parenting.

And I think we often think that parenting is a one and done event and that if we failed, it's over. We failed at class, and we just need to move on with that in the rearview mirror. And I don't think that that's true.

I think that God provides us the opportunity for restoration and for redemption and for hope. And I want to let as many people know that as possible, because I've experienced it, am still experiencing it, and I know that it's possible.

Willow: 00:02:35

Can you invite us into your own experience as a mom where you had a moment or moments or a season where you feel like you messed up and it felt like it was too late?

Michelle: 00:02:47

Yeah. So I have four children, and three of them are. I've already left the home. I have one daughter left living with us at home.

And, you know, I've started working through my story about 12 years ago, but, you know, it takes a long time. And by the time I realized some of the really big mistakes I'd made, you know, my older kids were leaving home and I felt like they'd left.

And my primary responsibility was those 18 years while they were at home and they left and I messed up. And I think I started realizing that one of the big ways I harmed my children was through not letting them feel their feelings.

And I think that comes from I've learned me not being able to feel my feelings as a child. And so I didn't know how to let them do that right. And so I constantly tried to minimize or to contain their feelings.

And in so doing, I think I really wounded them because I didn't give them the opportunity to be really sad, really mad, really joyful. I didn't really know what to do with those feelings.

And as I realized what I had done and as I had people meet me where I was at and start helping me process my feelings, I was then able to go back and to say, I am so sorry that I was not able to let you feel your feelings. I constantly had to manage them and control them because I felt like I was unsafe and I felt like I was in territory that I couldn't handle.

And through doing that, through going back, it's really given me the opportunity to be able to do it over and over again and to keep going back and saying, oh, yeah, I remember when that happened. I'm so sorry that I did that, or for them to now come to me and say, when you do that, that really reminds me of this.

Or you're not really listening to me, or I didn't feel like you're letting me feel what I'm feeling, or you're invalidating what I'm feeling. So, yeah, that was one of the big ways that I realized that I'd really wounded my kids.

Willow: 00:04:52

This is so huge because a lot of times, not only do we not realize what we're doing in parenting, but then when we have this wake up call and we realize, oh, no, for example, I'm dismissing my own children's emotions, there seems to be another sort of epiphany that happens where we realize, oh, I'm doing that because that's how I was taught to deal with pain. And that's what you're describing. When you go back and rewind, what were you taught? Like, when you had big emotions and big feelings.

What were you invited to do with your emotions?

Michelle: 00:05:33

So I grew up in a family with a very dominant dad. And my father had lost his dad when he was 6 and his first wife when she was really young. And I don't believe he ever really dealt with that grief.

And so that grief just came out sideways to all of us in my family.

And so I had a dad who I believe ultimately was a narcissist, and, you know, gaslit all of us in our family by letting us know that our reality wasn't really what was going on and that it was the story that he was telling us that was happening. And so that's a very confusing place to grow up, right? To feel one thing in your body and to be told, no, that's not actually what's happening. Right.

So I feel like I was silenced over years and years through my dad's actions and interactions in our family. And I also realized that my emotions were not safe. Right.

There was no one to hear that I was really scared when he yelled at my mom, that I was really sad when I saw my mom crying. And my mom was dealing with her own grief and her own sadness and just trying to survive. And so there was really no room for me to feel any emotions.

So I learned, on the one hand, to silence whatever I was feeling in my body. And on the other hand, there was nowhere for me to go. And so I was left to just deal with them on my own.

And that meant as a child, that I had to really invoke some survival strategies of trying to only control my little world that was around me, because I knew I had no control over what was beyond that. You know, not sharing what I was feeling, not even knowing what I was feeling after a while because it was too dangerous or it didn't really matter.

Like, it wouldn't avail anything if I did feel sad or mad.

So, yeah, so that was some of the ways that I learned as a child, or rather didn't learn to deal with my emotions or to let my emotions out in some way.

Willow: 00:07:35

And then how did you see yourself repeating history with your own kids? What were some. Some moments where you were like, oh, I'm doing to them.

I'm teaching them to deal with their emotions in the same way that I was invited to.

Michelle: 00:07:50

So I think that realization only came much later, right after I had started going through my story and started realizing what had happened to me. That realization came quite a bit later on. Oh, wait a minute. Like, I am processing this pattern from my childhood. And look, I'm doing the same thing.

And, you know, I have three girls and a boy. And, you know, teenage girls can tend to have very big emotions. I think it's a rite of passage. And I, you know, I would. I would berate my.

My girls especially and be, you know, when they have those big emotions and be like, you are way overreacting right now. What you're feeling right now doesn't compare to the emotion that I'm seeing, right?

So there are people starving and there are people dying, and that's where this level of emotion is appropriate. Not right now. I mean, I said those words. They're horrible. Now that I, you know, say them again.

And I think about the fact that I said them many times. But, you know, I think looking back, you know, there was pushback.

And as a mom, you're trying to, you know, extend your authority and, you know, not have your kids disrespect you. And there's just. There's just so much in that battle. But I think, you know, when I started looking back, I was like, oh, man, I. I did the same thing.

I did it differently, right? I. I thought I was doing a better job, right. I went into parenting thinking I was going to do a better job. Don't we all, right?

We all feel like I'm going to do it better, I'm going to do it right? I' going to make the same mistakes. And then they just look different, right? They are. A lot of them are very similar mistakes.

They just look very different.

And so, yeah, was able to then, you know, after having my kids tell me that over and over again, having me work on my story, and then eventually realizing I did this too. And I feel like my children in some ways were like a Nathan to David, right?

Where David was not able to see what he had done, but Nathan needed to help him open his eyes. It took a long time, right. My kids had to be very patient with me and still do, because I'm a real work in progress.

Willow: 00:10:02

Aren't we all?

Let's talk about this for a minute, because you've mentioned it a few times, and I'm not sure that people understand what story work is unless they've actually done it. I know what you're referring to, but these realizations you were having were happening in therapy. Is that what was happening?

Can you tell us a little bit about that? Because I think that'll be helpful for people listening to understand what story work is and how impactful it is.

Michelle: 00:10:34

er, I would say, in the early: 2000

Dan Allender from the Allender center was really instrumental in starting this movement and this body of work.

And basically, story work is looking at your past, especially your formative childhood years, and looking at your woundings there and how they affect your present and your future, and especially how you relate in relationships. And I would say that a lot of what my work was done with therapists, but I also attended story workshops through the Allender Center.

I read a lot of books. I, you know, spoke with wise mentors. I was in a couple of groups that were working on story work together.

I'm currently and have been for the last four years in a confessional community with the center for Being Known with Kurt Thompson.

And so, you know, story work has looked different for me, but I would say a lot of my work was done with very wise, compassionate Christian counselors.

Willow: 00:11:51

Yeah, I mean, I'm a huge fan of going back to the origin of the pain or the trauma and inviting God to go back there. When you talk about the story work that you did, how did you experience Jesus coming with you back into your story in bringing healing?

Michelle: 00:12:11

So I don't know that I could have done the work that I've done and continue to do the work that I've done on my story without him being with me. I have found Jesus to be incredibly compassionate and kind. And I think that's one of the things that we really miss when we look back at our past.

I think we often look back at our past with a lot of contempt and judgment and shame, and doing those things doesn't really help us to look for the redemptive story right in our past.

But when we're able to look back on ourselves as younger children and the battles that we had to face as those young children, and we're able to actually be compassionate to those young children. I believe that's where the healing starts.

But in order for us to do that, I really think it's vital that we are experiencing and know the Lord's compassion and kindness towards us in that journey. And we know that he's patient with us, too. He doesn't just say, oh, you want to look back and dump our whole history on us. Right.

We'd never be able to contain that. So he's been really patient in the way that I feel like layers and layers keeping uncovered and parts of my story keeping revealed.

And I think we'll do this work till we die and go meet him face to face. But yeah, I found him to be incredibly kind and compassionate. And also, you know, I believe, you know, Jesus says that the truth will set us free.

And I believe that the Lord wants healing and freedom for us, and so he really wants us to find the truth.

And once we finally are able to see that truth and start grieving the losses that we had from our childhood years with compassion and kindness and patience and gentleness, I believe that really is the start of our healing Shop with a purpose.

Willow: 00:14:06

When you buy something from the Collide Shop, you can feel good about your purchase knowing that 100% of the proceeds go back into funding the Ministry of Collide.

That means that that adorable necklace or comfy cozy sweatshirt you've been eyeing are not only going to look great on you, but they're also going to make more women collide with Jesus Shop HomeGoods curated gifts, apparel and more at store Wecollide.net it's really interesting, Michelle.

I've done some of this similar work as you in my own life, and it's been incredibly healing for me inviting Jesus to go back to the painful places in my childhood, and his compassion has met me there. So I love that you're bringing that word up.

How do you think for you personally experiencing Jesus compassion when you returned back to the origin of moments of pain that you experienced as a childhood, how do you think that gave you compassion to then be able to go and apologize to your children for the pain you caused them?

Michelle: 00:15:17

I mean, I think it was vital, you know, without that, like I said, I think that we sit in a lot of the shame and the guilt and the regret, right? And we say things like, you're never going to get better. You're just a bad mom. You know, this was always going to be your path.

You're not worthy of getting better. We tell ourselves those lies, right?

And I think without compassion, we are not able to stop those old lies and that narrative that the enemy wants us to stay in, right?

But once I think we're able to start seeing the Lord's compassion towards us and we start experiencing some of that healing by looking at that young child and actually really understanding, oh, it makes so much sense that you were like that. It makes so much sense that you had to develop those survival strategies and that that's the way you're parenting right now, right?

Once we're able to see that, I believe it gives us the freedom to then go back to our kids. Because I'm not actually needing to be defensive anymore.

I'm not having to defend, oh, I'm not a bad mom, or I'm not a mistake, or I'm not irreparably broken, right? I'm a mom who made a mistake. I made lots of mistakes. But Jesus has forgiven me.

And because he's forgiven me, I'm allowed to come to you now, and I can ask you for forgiveness, right? Because I know that he's forgiven me and it's okay. And I really hope and pray that you will forgive me, too.

But I can do this now because I know that I'm not the baddie here. And there is hope for me and there's freedom for me here.

Willow: 00:16:55

What have those moments done to change your relationship with your kids? Those moments where you've gone to them and owned up to the ways you've messed up?

Michelle: 00:17:05

You know, I don't want to give the impression that you just tie a nice neat bow by going back to your kids once or twice, and then everything is forgiven and everything's great and you have a perfect relationship. Because that's not reality. That's not true. I will say it's something that's been happening over years as I have changed.

I'm then a different person with them. And like I said, I think it's going to continue for years and years until I'm not here anymore to keep doing that.

But by constantly going back and being different and responding differently and letting them know that you see them and that you were blinded for a long time, I think it starts opening the doors for more honest and authentic communication. Right? So where I was unsafe in the past because I wouldn't really listen to what they were feeling, right? That's not very safe.

Like, I'm sad or mad mom, and you're not listening to me. You're not even validating that I'm feeling this by now going back over and over again and saying, I'm really sorry.

Will you forgive me for what I did? Or in a conversation, I can be like, oh, I can recognize what I'm doing now. Let me pause for a minute and let me redirect.

By doing that over and over again, I think it starts making you a safer person, which you should be in the beginning, right? But some of us weren't. And so I think it makes you a safer person.

And then that, in turn allows my children to then start coming to me and start telling me hard things that I've done that they've done. You know, I've had some of my kids start Coming back to me and saying, you know, when I did this, I did it because of xyz, and I am so sorry.

So, you know, I'm starting to see just, you know, the relationships change. They're looking different. And again, it's not a neat little bow. They weren't changed overnight.

It's a long, slow process, but it's happening and it's real, and I'm really grateful for it.

Willow: 00:19:10

That's beautiful.

I love that you're experiencing that when you think about moms listening, because I know there are some who are like, oh, man, I've either messed up big time or I'm messing up consistently, and it just feels like it's too late.

What's some practical advice that you have for them to move out of this stuck place where they feel like they can't get grounding, to sort of make up for their wrongs?

Michelle: 00:19:39

So I think for a long time, you know, when I found myself in that place, I tried to fix the situation with external measures, right? So read everything I could on patience and how to be kind to your kids and, you know, all the books, right. On how to be a good Christian mom. Right.

Listen to all the podcasts. And so I think I was. What I was trying to do was I was trying to change my behavior, right?

I was trying to put this band aid on the scaping wound of my wounds, right. Of my childhood wounds and thinking that these band aids and these fixes, these little exterior behavior modifications would. Would do it. Right?

And of course, they continue to fail over and over again. And as they failed over and over again, I felt like a worse and worse mom, right? Like, oh, I can't be more patient. I can't be more kind.

I really am just a lost cause. I'm never going to get better at this.

But I think the key came when I realized that I needed to look at my heart and I needed to look at my past and my healing. And Adam Young says these words. I love them. He says, the point of engaging your past is so that you can actually live in the present.

Until you engage your past and your story, you're actually living as much in the past as you are in the present. And those words are just so convicting and I think, so true, Right?

And so I think for moms listening who feel like they've blown it, I would say stop trying to fix it from the outside. It's not going to work. And I'm sure you've tried it. But I would say there is a Reason you're acting the way you're acting.

And it's a scary place, right? Because we covered those wounds up and we numbed those feelings when we were young because they were hard. There's a reason we covered up that pain.

No one wants to willingly go back and work on their pain, but I think that's what's necessary. I think that's the path to healing. And so I would say, you know, sit down with someone you trust.

Maybe if you have a Christian counselor that you can meet with, just start the conversation and see where you can go. But I would say start looking at where this behavior is coming from, because I can almost guarantee you that it's coming from a place of wounding.

And until you deal with that wounding and until you start healing, your external behavior is not going to change. But also that it's never too late. You can do this at any point and you can start reaping the benefits.

Willow: 00:22:07

I so agree with you. And my follow up question to that is, what took you as long as it took you to finally start dealing with it?

Was it that you didn't think you had wounds? Was it that you were avoiding them and you knew you did?

Because I think a listener, there might be people listening who have a variety of reasons for why they're not doing the work you just invited us into. So why did you wait as long as you did to start doing the work on the inside?

Michelle: 00:22:42

Yeah. So like I mentioned earlier, one of my survival strategies was control, right?

And so I felt like as long as I can control, could control my little world, I was going to be okay. And when you're younger, that little world is pretty small, right. And as I got older, that world became my husband and then my children.

And when children are young, they're easier to control. But those children kept growing, right?

And those of us who, those of us who are parents know that we really can't control anything and we're really not in control of anything. Right. As much as we think we are.

And so I think I was trying so hard to control everything and keep it neat and tidy and under wraps and just, you know, as long as this looked okay, then we were okay. Because, you know, again, that's one of the things I grew up with too. Right.

You kept external peace as long as everything was quiet, there was no fighting, everything was okay. Even though inside, you know, there was complete turmoil and chaos and dysfunction.

And so I think I needed to get to the point where I absolutely realized I was not in control anymore. And I was about to fall off a cliff. And so for me, that's the point I got to.

And I would love for people not to have to get to that point to let them know there is a way. Right. And so I got to that point and, you know, out of pure desperation, reached out for help.

And, you know, I will say, too, because I think this might be relevant for some listeners, the act of asking for help can also be an area of wounding and is for a lot of us. Right. Because as kids, we reach out for help a lot. And when we don't get it, we start to learn that reaching out for help doesn't really work. Right.

No one's heard me. So why is that going to change? Right. So you stop asking for help.

And so the act of then saying, I'm going to ask for help again when I'm at my most vulnerable feels like a huge step.

But I would really love to invite any listeners that are listening that find themselves in that place, close to that place, or feel like they're heading in that direction to reach out for help, because we can't do this work alone. I tried for a long time. It doesn't work. And, you know, there's so much research out now, especially that Dr.

Thompson's doing on, you know, how we literally rewire our brains by telling our story to an empathetic listener and seeing it mirrored back on their faces and in their responses. And so I believe that we are made to do this work with other people. We cannot do this work alone. It's too hard.

You know, we were created by a triune God who there's connection between the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit always. None of them are alone. And so we were created in his image. And we're not meant to do this work alone.

So I would really encourage you to reach out for help earlier than when you feel like you're falling off a cliff or if you're feeling like you're falling off a cliff or you've already fallen off the cliff, it's okay. You can still reach out for help.

Willow: 00:25:47

Absolutely.

And I mean, I'm going to remind listeners we have counseling resources and mental health therapists around here and ways that we can help you get help. So you can email us at info@wecollide.net if you're feeling like you need help. That's why we're here. That is why we're here.

Michelle: 00:26:07

I love that.

Willow: 00:26:08

I would love to hear, Michelle, before we hear how people can connect with you and all that you're doing. What's your final word and hope for moms who feel like it's too late to heal their parenting?

Michelle: 00:26:26

That it's not too late, even though it feels like it, and even though the world might tell you it's too late, and even though you might have done some terrible things right, even though your mothering journey might have looked really bad, even if you abandoned your kids, neglected your kids, there is forgiveness in Christ. And if God can forgive us, then we need to be able to forgive ourselves and seek that forgiveness with our children. It is never too late.

That's the gospel story. It's never too late. There is always hope. And I believe that we can pursue healing.

And I will also say that pursuing healing and freedom doesn't necessarily have to look like reconciliation with your children or with other family members. We hope that it does and it often does. But even if it doesn't, I don't think that should be a barrier to you pursuing healing and wholeness.

Because we find that with the Lord ultimately and, you know, then we follow his lead for, you know, where he would take us. And we are, again, not in control of other people's responses.

But just because they haven't responded in a certain way doesn't mean that we aren't doing the hard work, that we aren't pursuing others, and that we aren't looking for hope and healing and redemption.

Willow: 00:27:45

I appreciate all that you've shared with us today, and I know that there's going to be women who want to connect with you and follow along on your journey. How can they do that?

Michelle: 00:27:55

Yeah, you can follow me on my website michellekonson.com or I'm on Instagram or Facebook. Just Michelle Konson and I would love to connect with anybody who is on this journey wants to start this journey.

Happy for you to reach out, answer any questions, to give you any resources I have. I have a great list of resources if you want to start the story work journey, some books and podcasts and websites for you to look at.

But I would really just say it is a hard journey, but it's incredibly worth it and worthwhile. And yeah, I think it's very akin to the narrow road that Jesus calls us to. It's not easy, but it's totally worth it.

Willow: 00:28:39

Thank you for reminding us it's not too late.

Michelle: 00:28:43

Absolutely, friend.

Willow: 00:28:46

I hope that this conversation with Michelle Konson encouraged you and if you know it'll encourage another mama, will you just share it? Just send it off and encourage another mom. Right now. All it takes is the press of a button, and next thing you know, she can be encouraged with you.

I absolutely love Michelle ending that interview by reminding us that isn't the gospel story about the fact that it's never too late. Man, I'm going to chew on that all week. Keep colliding, friend, and we'll catch you next week.